Tonya Parker Motivational Speaker/ Author

Thank you's after I Do's!

3/13/2012

One of the greatest gifts my husband has ever given me is the gift of appreciation after the “I Do’s!” It is easy and very natural to be on your best behavior during the dating phase. We bring out our best manners saying little things (even though they’re actually quite huge) like “thank you” and “please!” While dating, we are mostly concerned with pleasing others rather than ourselves. We want them to be impressed with us and we go above and beyond to “be nice and act right” because we know if we don’t, they will more than likely move on! So we whip out the nice-a-ties and act in a way that would make our momma’s proud!
However, sometimes things change, often very quickly, after the “I do’s!”
Why is that? Where do our manners go when the ones we so wanted to impress become our spouses? When does the change happen from wanting to please them to only pleasing ourselves? Basically, why do we become so “all about us” after the honeymoon is over?
This all became so apparent to me when I married the love of my life 9 years ago.
My children and I had moved to South Carolina and I was busy trying to make a home out of this newly blended family. I went about doing what “wives” do...cleaning the house, cooking the meals, and doing the laundry. One day Michael my new husband came home from work and noticed there was folded laundry on the couch. After dinner he helped me put the fresh laundry away. As we were doing this “chore” (and notice I said WE) he offered up some simple little words that blew me away! He said, “Thank you for doing MY laundry and folding it. I appreciate all that you do for me!” Really? Wow! Who says that kind of stuff? Lucky me, my husband does that’s who!
And at that moment I experienced how true appreciation impacts a relationship.
No one likes to be taken advantage of! No one likes to be unappreciated! No one likes to be unseen! When someone feels under appreciated they very easily can slide into resentment. Resentment for the things they do that go unappreciated by those they do it for. These feelings of resentment can snowball into a life of separateness from the ones that we love.
Resentment separates you! It separates you from people, joy, blessings and the goodness that life wants to offer you. I believe that many problems in relationships, especially marriages, can be solved with one phrase...I appreciate you!
A simple “thank you” will go a long way with others.
If they know that you are noticing them and all they do, then the feeling can be reciprocated and the snowball that is rolling down a negative path, can begin to roll in a new positive direction towards unity.
Thank you is enough!
Thank you for dinner...even if I make Michael a peanut butter sandwich he never fails to say thank you. He notices that even the sandwich took effort...it was something I did because I chose to, not because I had to.
Thank you for thinking of me, thank you for helping me, thank you for all that you DO for me!
Two simple yet monumental words...THANK YOU!!!
Try it...see what happens not only for others but also for yourself when you begin to live with an appreciative spirit.
Take a moment today to do a “thank you” check in your life.
Are you being as kind and appreciative after the “I do” as you were before?
Would your Momma be proud that you are still using your good manners?
Be honest now...would she?

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Joy in the Journey

10/17/2011

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Life is not about the destination...it’s about the journey along the way!!
We live in such a hurried life. We want things instantly. I found myself today losing my patience because the fax machine wasn’t working fast enough. And as I realized what I was thinking, it made me laugh. Is a fax not fast enough? I find myself tapping my fingers while watching the seconds go by on the microwave wishing it would hurry up. The drive thru window at the restaurant is never quick enough and I always choose the wrong express lane to get in at the grocery store. And on my Monday morning hour-long travel to work, I always get behind drivers that are still out on their Sunday drive.
Why is it we are always in a hurry? Hurry to walk...hurry to talk...go to school...drive...date...graduate...go to college...marry...have children...retire and so on!
We also think that when we get to those places, we will be happy....that the train has finally pulled into the station and we have arrived!
What we don’t realize is it’s not about the destination.... it’s about finding joy in the journey along the way. This is our one and only chance at living life...here and now!
Opportunities come and then they are gone. We miss the moment we’re in because we’re hurrying on to the next thing.
Ever found yourself on Monday wishing it were Friday and that happening every week? I think that the longer we live the more we realize our time here is actually very brief. Don’t let the important moments of today pass you by as you plan for that non-existent future when you’ll have time to do all that you want to do.
One of my favorite sayings is...”Wherever you are...Be There!!” Be aware today of your thoughts. Are you present in the moment or are you thinking of what you’re going to do tonight, tomorrow, or next week? Are you aware of that child who wants you to listen to her story? Are you putting your newspaper down and giving that wife your undivided attention? Are you stopping and sitting down by that grandfather who would love to tell you the stories of the “good old days?”
Let me encourage you today my friend, to not only stop and smell the roses...but to linger and delight in the fragrances that it brings into your life.
May your journey be joyful!

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Well if you'd slow down...

8/15/2011

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My father-in-law, Watson Parker, was a breath of fresh air in my life. He was a kind, sweet man with a gentle spirit. He lived life slow and easy. Several years ago, he took his first plane ride and left his home state of South Carolina to visit us in Texas. We filled our time together with a trip to San Antonio to visit the Alamo, taking him to an Astros game, visiting family and friends, boating on the lake, playing games, and singing the oldies but goodies. We kept him on the go and he was such a trooper...always going...and never tiring or complaining.
One day while he and I were home, he was resting on the couch watching me do a little house cleaning. Being that this is one of my least favorite things to do in life, I was scurrying through it so I could get back to playing. As I was vacuuming hurriedly or lickety split (as my mother would say)... I was complaining out loud how this stupid vacuum didn’t pick anything up. And Mr. Parker witnessing my frustration looked at me and softly said...
“Well, if you’d slow down a little bit...maybe it’d give it time to pick something up!”
So with a smile on my face I slowed my pace, letting the vacuum do it’s job correctly, and contemplated the impact of my wise father-in-laws words. And what wisdom was packed into that simple little statement...
“If we slow down a little bit...maybe we could pick something up!”
We live in an instant world... instant service, instant food, instant messaging, and instant results. No wonder we have a difficult time with slowing down and waiting to find the richness in the moment. Why do we race around so much? What drives us? Where are we going so fast? We seem to be more concerned with “doing” than with just “being!” Our desire to accomplish, succeed, and make it to the top causes us to forfeit the joy of real living.
As I get older I realize that in youth we learn; in age we understand. We understand that our days are numbered and that there is no day like the present to start living every moment to the fullest. One way to enrich our day is to spend quality time with the relationships in our lives. Building meaningful relationships will make you rich beyond measure. Taking time to “see” those around you, to “hear” their stories and to “feel” the emotion of the moment is time well invested on both parties part.
I remember my Mother talking about when she was a little girl how she loved to sit around the domino game table and hear her father and his brothers talk about their “good ole days!” She was taking the moment to stop, look and listen to the generational stories around her enriching her for her own stories in the future. I believe that present day generations are missing that kind of enrichment, therefore losing the stories of our past, because we don’t take the time to stop and listen to the wisdom of those around us.The wisdom such as a quiet little voice reminding me to slow down and maybe you'll pick something up. So for the rest of the days that my sweet father-in-law was with us, I spent time asking him about his life and relishing in the act of just 'being" in his presence. We sat one afternoon in rocking chairs on a porch drinking lemonade while he took me down memory lane and the treasures that I take away from that moment will enrich my life forever!

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Out of the mouths of Babes!

6/13/2011

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Kids say the darndest things!
I wished I had written down all the humorous things my children have said through the years. Truths, lessons, and facts only they can see with their honest little eyes. How precious yet awkward those funny sayings can be. As I sat in church this morning looking up scriptures in my Bible, one of those funny moments came to mind. Years ago, when my daughter was 6 years old and my son was 3, the three of us were sitting at the dining room table visiting. I was taking a painting class at the time and was working on some humorous signs that hang on the wall. Like all mother's do, I was multi-tasking while sitting with my kids. I was painting my signs, helping my daughter learn her Bible verses for Sunday School, and trying to keep my son entertained. My daughter had to quote a scripture and tell where it was found in the Bible. As I was painting my sign, and my daughter was quoting her scriptures, my 3 year old son sat by absorbing all that was going on around him. After awhile, he asked me, "Momma, what does that sign say that you're painting?" And I replied,
"My cow died...I don't need your bull!" I apprehensively waited, wondering if he would need an explanation for such a silly saying. Thankfully, the simple answer was enough. Whew! We continued painting, learning our verses, and talking about the Bible. As I think about the memory now, what a funny scene that must have been...Bible verses, painting, cows, bulls...all mixed together. Well, I finished my sign, my daughter memorized her verses and my son was pleased with his simple answer. All was good until...that following Sunday! While we were eating lunch, I asked my daughter how she had done with her verses in Sunday School. She informed me that she had remember them and I let her know how very proud I was of her. I advised my daughter to tuck those words from God away within her and remember He was there for her whenever she needed Him. I was taking such pride in what a wise mother I was and what a good job I had done in helping her learn those verses. This feeling however, was short lived. It was at that moment my son informed me that he too had told his Sunday School teacher his verse! With astonishment, I once again began to puff with pride at how I had not only helped my daughter, but in the meantime had obviously taught my son as well. I asked my son about the verse he had quoted to his Sunday School teacher and he said, "Momma, I told the Sunday School teacher you had taught me a verse and it went like this...
My cow died, I don't need your bull...John 15:12!!
The cloud of pride I was enjoying quickly fell away and dropped me back down to reality. Oh my, I really had some explaining to do, not only to my son but most importantly to the Sunday School teacher.
Out of the mouths of babes!!

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"What do I do with the "Yucky Stuff?"

3/17/2011

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One evening, many years ago, my young daughter brought me her plate after dinner to put into the dishwasher. I looked down and all the vegetables were still left on it. I asked her, "Why is all this still on your plate?" And she replied, "I don't know what to do with the yucky stuff!"
Ever felt that way? If you've lived more than one day, you've experienced some "yucky stuff."
As infants the yucky stuff can be...not getting your way or not having your every need met.
As teenagers the yucky stuff can be...not getting your way, not fitting in with your peers, or not having the boy you love, love you back.
As adults the yucky stuff can be losing that dream job, having a wayward child, experiencing divorce or not getting your way. See a pattern here...no matter what age we are, it's always yucky when we don't get our way or life doesn't go as we expected.
So, what do you do with the yucky stuff in your life?
Here's what I have found to be helpful:

*Get Real!
First and foremost acknowledge this event or circumstance is "yucky." Be real about it. It doesn't solve anything to sweep it under the rug because at some point you have to deal with it. So, why not just admit it, face it head on and work your way through it. Acting like your life is perfect, is not healthy for you nor anyone else in your life. So, I believe it's best to just put it on out there. Acknowledge each emotion and walk through the steps of getting to the other side. Stomp your feet, get angry, cry, or be depressed for awhile. Just be real!!! Find a way to drain your pain. Call the boss and tell him you're not coming in today because you're staying home to be depressed. Go to your room, shut the door and cry until you're sick of it. Then get yourself up, dust yourself off and go do what makes you happy like eat some Mexican food!
*Get "It!"
Faith that is!!! If you don't have faith - Find It - and press into it!
Faith is having confidence and trust in God and His promises. He promises He will not give us more than we can handle. He promises He will see us through the storm. He promises to uphold and surround us with His love if we allow Him to. We may not understand it, but there is a Divine purpose for everything that happens to us in life. So our part is not to ask "WHY", but to ask "WHAT!" What is the lesson I am supposed to be learning from this trial. In the midst of the darkness, you will learn lessons that you might never have learned in the day. Pain is inevitable but misery is optional.
With every tribulation you experience in life, it can make you either better or bitter. What will you focus on? What will your attitude be? The remarkable thing about attitude is that we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for the day. Having the Attitude of Gratitude breaks the cycle of "the Yucky Stuff Blues!" But gosh it's hard to praise when you're poopy! That is why the Bible calls it the Sacrifice of Praise. Sometimes we just don't "feel" like it...praising...but when we do, it helps us change our focus and makes us feel better.
The choice is totally up to you!
So, at the end of the day try turning your troubles over to God...He's going to be up anyway!!
* Get on Down the Road!
After you've acknowledged your troubles, worked your way through the emotions, put your faith in God that He is in control...then pick up the pieces and get going!!! Take notes from the household products around you...Joy, Zest, Cheer, Glad! Find the splashes of joy around you each day. A happy heart is like good medicine.
One of the best ways of accomplishing this is to have rubbish removal of the mind. Fixate your thoughts on what is true, good and right. Dwell on the fine, good things in yourself and others. Your thoughts are like planes and you are the traffic controller. It's your decision which plane you let land on the landing strip of your mind. So, set your automatic pilot on "Optimistic" and get going. Most of the time, your day goes the way the corners of your mouth turn. Be aware of the small pleasures around you..a hug, a full moon, a glorious sunset, an empty parking place, a great meal...enjoy life's tiny delights...there are plenty for all of us to share. Surround yourself with positive happy people. Find what nurtures you and do it. Wherever you are...be there!!! Show up for each and every moment of your day. Don't let the sorrow of the past ruin the beautiful moments of today!
Though some of our days may be dark and full of "yucky stuff", we can still keep a rainbow in our hearts. We can choose to stay under our dark cloud OR we can get busy finding our rainbow.
So the next time you're hit with the Yucky Stuff...
Get Real and acknowledge this is "yucky"...face it and take the steps to get through it. Then..
Get "It"and press into it...Faith! Learn the lesson and trust God that He is in control. Then...
Get Moving and choose to make the most of each day!
Life isn't wrapped up with a bow, but it's still a Gift!

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Bloom or Wilt...Your Choice

10/18/2010

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Bloom where you are planted or you may become a weed!!
As I sat on my back porch this morning enjoying the new cool misty weather, I noticed the change in nature around me. It seemed as if all the plants around me were saying....AWE...what a nice reprieve from the stifling heat we are used to. My poor flowers have suffered the most except for one small plant on my deck. As I looked at the flower I thought...now what was different about that plant which allowed it to be able to not only survive but thrive. How did it blossom while everything else around it died? Was it the amount of shade it received? Did it get more sunlight? Did it somehow get more nourishment than other plants around it? Well, I have no idea!! For those of you who know me, I was not blessed with a green thumb. I just put whatever plant I think is pretty in the ground and then tell it..."good luck..you're on your own...I wish you the best of luck!"
However, I do believe that we can learn life lessons from everything around us.
Are you blooming where you have been planted?
Are you striving to thrive instead of just survive?
If we are honest with ourselves, some days are easier to thrive than others. But that is what God intends for us to do. Unlike my poor plants, we can bloom where we are planted because we can TRUST the One who plants us there. We can not only survive but can thrive in the "hot" times of our life, because of His strength in us. Years ago I was just "surviving" through each day. The sweltering heat from that desert time of my life was at sometimes overbearing. Once again, the wise words from my mother saw me through those most difficult days. She reminded me no matter what, there was always something to thank God for. Even when I didn't "feel" like praising Him, that is what He wanted from me in order to break the bondage of the heat of the desert.
That is what is meant in the Bible where it says...God inhabits the praises of His people and we are to give Him the sacrifice of praise! There were days all I could muster up to be thankful for was...Thank you God for the green grass!! But with each day, I slowly began to live in the attitude of gratitude. I went from a wilting weed to a blooming flower.
It's not that my circumstances changed instantly, I just changed the way I reacted to life around me.
Will everyday be sunshine? No.
Will everyday be rain? No.
Will there be desert times in your life?
Most definitely! In those hot, hard, difficult days you can thrive because there is an oasis to draw from there in the desert. It is possible to bloom even in the "hottest" of times.
So, realize that God has placed you, His seed, in good soil right where He wants you.
He will be the sunshine, shade, and nourishment you need, if you choose to...
bloom where you are planted!

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Listen for the Laughter!

9/13/2010

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A most wasted day is one in which we have not laughed.
A good laugh in life can lift your spirits when you're down or cranky. We will have those times where we are traveling down some bumpy roads that are full of potholes, but laughter is like shock absorbers on our car...they don't take the potholes away, they just make the trip a little bit smoother. In those tough times, if you look hard enough and listen carefully, you can find the laughter.
One of the hardest yet most fulfilling moments of my life was when I spoke at my Mamaw's funeral. She was such a wonderful example of a life lived to the fullest. And boy did we laugh when we were together. At her funeral, through my tears I relayed the story of the last time I saw her and how our conversation went.
It was summertime and I had just captured her on video as she was telling her great grandchildren about the good ole days. What a treasured video now for all of us left behind! So, after the video taping, I hugged my grandmother and told her I would see her at Christmas. She then turned to me and said "Well, I hope I don't see you!" She laughed at the expression that was obviously on my face and said "let me explain." She began to tell me her thoughts..."you see, I would like to see you too, but I am ready to spend Christmas with Jesus. I have had a long, healthy, and full life and I'm tired and want to spend Christmas with my Heavenly Father." She continued telling me how she knew Jesus was going to come get her one day soon (which He did one month later) and tell her..."Lorene, your mansion is ready, let's go home!" To which she planned to reply to Jesus..."well, on our way, "WE" need to swing by and pick up Miss Jones and Mr. Smith because they're really pitiful and they need to go on home with us!"
Well, when I told this story at the funeral, there was lots of laughter through the tears. One of my favorite emotions...laughter through tears.
And the humor is always there if we look for it. If we don't find the laughter, all that's left is our fear.
So why not listen for the laughter.
Train yourself to look for the little things in life that make you giggle. The giggle potential is all around us, we just need to slow down long enough to watch and listen for it.
Some ways to find the laughter...
* try smiling...it increases your face value;
* learn to laugh at yourself in a kind way;
* try looking for the humor in difficult situations;
* make a fun lists of things that make you smile and do them; and
* hang around positive people. Laughter is a way to enrich your life instead of just maintaining your existence.
There is a right time for everything...a time to cry and a time to laugh.
Have a blast while you last!!

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If nothing ever changed...There'd be no Butterflies!!

1/5/2010

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This is the beginning of a new year and because of that, change is definitely inevitable. We set our minds on changing things in our lives that we are not happy about such as our weight, bad habits, goals, accomplishments and such. We have however, created our circumstances by our past choices. But within our grasp we have both the ability and the responsibility to make better choices beginning today. In life, there is change. One of the definitions of change is the result of alteration or modification.
Think about it...when change has happened in your life, it has definitely altered it in some way.
When you think about change, what does it bring to mind?
What emotions does it evoke from you? Are you anxious, fearful, apprehensive or do you look at it as an exciting, thrilling adventure?
For me, it's a little of all of it. Change is never easy but usually adds blessings and dimension to our lives that we would not experience otherwise. For instance, take the change that happened to me 22 years ago today.
As I went to the hospital on that cold wintry day to deliver my first child, I was filled with excitement, concern and anxiousness, realizing my life was about to be significantly changed forever more. Becoming a parent has been one of the biggest yet most rewarding changes in my life. I had no idea how much my beautiful, blonde, blue-eyed baby girl would change my life. One of the most significant ways she has changed me is how it has taught me to be more selfless. When you have a child who is looking to you for their complete existence, your needs, desires, and wants quickly go to the end of the line. All you want is for them to be healthy, happy, and complete. To me, having a child is like having your heart walk around outside of your body. You love them completely and would gladly give your life in place of theirs without a second thought. Has the change of becoming a parent been difficult at times...yes...has it been rewarding...yes...has it blessed my life...more than anything ever could. My precious baby girl Tiffany who came to me 22 years ago today has been one of the most blessed gifts I have ever received. And a blessing that I would have missed if I hadn't had the courage to change.
This year ahead of me will be filled with an extreme amount of change. As I write this blog I feel I am writing to myself as much as anyone. I know that I am in control of how I look at change. My past experiences have taught me that if I am resistant to change I will most likely miss out on what God has in store for me therefore miss the blessing.
So, as I enter this year of change I will put my trust in Him and will face the events with positive expectations of the blessings to come.
Because I know... if nothing ever changed then there would be no butterflies..
and who wants a world full of caterpillars...not me...I choose butterflies!!

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It takes so little to be Above Average

10/15/2009

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IT TAKES SO LITTLE TO BE ABOVE AVEARAGE!
Why do we settle for mediocrity? Is it fear? Is it laziness? Is it our low expectations?
What is it about being "average" that makes it so comfortable? Why don't we aim for higher ground? Why don't we shoot for the stars or try to make that home run hit?
When my children were small, I decided I wanted them to be more than "average" adults. I wanted them to realize they can make small adjustments to their lives and be more than average people.
When they were small children, I expected them to have manners. I instructed them to say those simple little important words like...thank you...please...no ma'am and yes sir!! When they forgot to use those words, my "gentle" nudge to them would be..."Excuse me?" (accompanied with a lift of my eyebrow) They soon learned from those gentle nudgings to remember their manners. As I taught these lessons, I would tell them that I believed by the time they were adults these simple manners would be..."above average."
Now that they are grown, they have come to realize ...it is so!!
We live in a world that seems to have zero respect not only for our elders but to everyone around us. A simple "thank you" seems to be hard to find. One of my pet peeves is to have chosen to spend my money at a place of business and the checkout person can't even find the gumption to say..."thank you for shopping with us!" A simple " thank you" and a smile now is "above average".
When my son graduated from high school this past May, he was blessed with gifts from friends and family. We sat down one day and I visited with him about the importance of a hand "written" thank you note. And how that gesture is now..."above average." I wanted him to think about each person that sacrificed their time and money to give to him at this important time of his life. And I wanted him to respond to them with honest gratitude for that sacrifice. He needed to realize that just a simple.."thank you for the money" wasn't good enough...that was only "average" and I wanted more for him. So in response to my advice, he wrote thank you notes from his heart. He has been told several times from the receivers of these notes how precious those cards were and they could tell he had spent some time on writing them. Heartfelt hand written thank you cards are now..."above average."
Hopefully my children will remember these words of advice and will choose to do whatever it takes to rise above averageness...I don't believe that averageness is a word..but it fits well here...it's my blog..and I like it...so using it!! ha!
So, today don't choose the run-of-the-mill, ordinary, "average" way.
Don't continue to trudge down the "middle of the road" kind of life when there's so much more to gain from striving for excellence!
Realize you are a person of worth!
Choose to move in a direction that escalates you above the world of "Averageness!!"

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Bask in the Mess

9/15/2009

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Cleaning your house while your children are young, is like shoveling snow while it is snowing! Ok...some of you mothers out there will not be able to understand where I'm coming from on this one. Just know I have been on both sides and I know what I'm talking about.
One day several months ago, a friend of mine came over to visit with me and to see my house. As we headed up the stairs I warned her this was my children's area and she might need to ..."enter at her own risk!" Sure enough, as we entered my son's room things were quite askew!! She started smiling and laughing saying..."I love it!!" I thought to myself..yep my friend has slipped off the deep end!! I apologized for the way it looked and she quickly informed me of what this mess meant to her. She began to explain to me that this "mess" meant that there was life here. This mess meant my son was home and living a full life. He had friends, functions, and fun going on in his life and he was living under my roof where I could enjoy it all with him. My wise friend informed me that before I knew it, he would be off to college and this room would be clean, straight, and orderly because the life that was now existing here would be in another location. The greatest advice she gave me was to go up into his room daily and..."Bask in the Mess!" Because before long, the mess would be gone and so would my son.
I mistakenly told my son about this conversation a few days later. From then on if I asked him to straighten up his room..he would say "Ok Mom...but don't you think you should just go bask in it for awhile!"
Today my son is off to college and having a great time with this new chapter in his life.
Both of my children are on their own and finding their way. They are functioning adults who are spreading their wings and flying solo as I have taught and prayed for them to do.
For me, I am also adjusting to a new chapter in life. The "empty nest" chapter that comes with it's own set of pros and cons. My son's room...well it's clean...it's orderly..it's straight....and it's always yearning for the life to enter it again and fill it with fun!

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Author

I have spent the past 25 years pampering women working in various aspects of the beauty industry. Building and managing spas has allowed me the opportunity to share my love for people as I try to inspire others to begin to appreciate their own individual value. Speaking and teaching to various women’s groups has also been a major part of my life as I try to impart laughter, hope, and motivation to those attending. My passion is to empower women to live life to the fullest and be all that God has ordained them to be. I am married to the love of my life. We have 4 beautiful children, one darling daughter in-law and a precious new granddaughter. I have incredible parents that have made me what I am today and I am blessed because of them. I am so proud of the Godly heritage that I have. I deeply cherish the lifelong friendships that I have made through the years. My favorite thing in life is relationships and the richness that they bring to my life.
My Blog site...
www.motivatedtosoar.com

Thank you's after I Do's!

Joy in the Journey

Well if you'd slow down...

Out of the mouths of Babes!

"What do I do with the "Yucky Stuff?"

Bloom or Wilt...Your Choice

Listen for the Laughter!

If nothing ever changed...There'd be no Butterflies!!

It takes so little to be Above Average

Bask in the Mess

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